chinese new year is coming!! so excited as it would be a long long holiday!! and i get to sleep longer but before that i need to do a lot of presentation and i need to prepare my slides now...boo

my supervisor just did peanut cookies today!! it taste nice and she is really good at running group. Inspired to be like her next time. JIA YOU!!!

by right, i am supposed to be doing my work. But I just can't... heart is building up with stress and simply can't release. Today, I did something wrong at work (promise something which I can't perform to my patients) and I was told by my supervisor. She is nice and did not scold but just emphasize. But just can't stop thinking about it for the whole day.

Tomorrow will be a brand new year. haha! and just another 3 weeks more...it is CHINESE NEW YEAR. and it is a long long holiday:) should I be happy about it. I have been working in the company for 4 months and I am struggling to survive. It is a difficult word to use, but no words could describe how I am feeling. 2 more months before I go to Level 1 supervision which I seriously was thinking whether I can make it to that supervision by end of 6 months or longer...

Anyway, there is something to be happy about this week. It is that I can go to cambodia, apparently the camp trip 'date' is changed and I can go there. but due to the late registration, I have to pay another 15 dollars more than the rest of the people. Forget it, I still manage to go there...haha! finally, MISSION TRIP here I come.

The next thing is that, I have received the email of conditional acceptance from one of the university that I applied. It means that if my health permits, I will be able to go to UK. smiles...

* My terr class

but I learned that when U are working, never say your decision so early...it serves as a disadvantage...

Today, I went to my workplace with the super stressed look. My TO was saying that haha! don't stressed don't stressed and the ICP is in the file for me to check. My work is just piling up with the super lack of internet in the place where I can't check my mails. My  50 ICP ( to be check), 2 home reports, 2 Case conference reports, daily documentation, daily group plans...it just seems endless with my case conference coming up and not to mention that I have to do inservice and case discussion and cae presentation- 4 presentation in each month. With this is only my task with level 1 (my workplace), I still have my level 4 (workplace) work... with 20 ICP to go and I just clear some, though it was not very timely...

Apparently, either I look seriously too stress (because I get red easily) or someone say something to her. She told me is just work la, dun get too stress. But for me, it is hard not to get stress with all the work piling up. IS IT???

stressed...

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the king's horses and all the King's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again

Humpty had a great fall and couldn't be put together again. Because he was an egg. After a great fall, he had a crack. Hence, even if one is the king, humpty can never be placed back again.

Life can never be replay. There is only moving forward and forward. I thought through and I shall wait for the next mission trip. The words from my dad was right. It was your responsibility and job, shouldn't have throw away my duty. His word reminded me of my supervisor 's words that she stayed in this line because of her never-ending duties.

Finally, I made a brownie cake with my patients. I left it in the oven to bake and asked my assistant to wait for the 'time' up. That day was a busy day, with my patient hospitalized in the morning, some fell and required check-up and I need to run group session. In addition, I had a surprise home visit. It was a super busy day and I was simply exhausted. Luckily, I took annual leave the next day to settle my uni registration. I hope that I can get into the college with my friends. Sigh...

Did I talk about the outcome of my cake? Haha! My assistant left a piece of brownie cake for me when I came back. It taste nice. However, it was as hard as stone. I tried to pinch the cake, yet it just did not budge. But it was still a semi-success. Because I am still able to bit it and it taste delicious. The amount of sugar that we add into the cake was 2 cups. Sugar rush!!! Initially, the amount of sugar written in the recipe was 3 cups. It was horrible.

I had almost 1 presentation every week. I think I am going to go mad sooner or later. It was tiring. At times, I really feel like giving up and was asking myself that if I want to give up, 'why do I need to go for further studies relating to my course. After all, it was a very specialised course. However, it was what I chose.

Actually, I was very bothered about touching people because of my seriously sweaty palms. So I hate to touch my friends and even patients. In year 1 and 2, I don't really dare to touch them because I am afraid that they will be uncomfortable with my touch. However when I started work, I did not really care because they can't really feel if your hand is wet because they are sweating during exercises. Moreover their desire to get well through the therapist's instructions and facilitation is much more important than my sweaty palm.

I am trying to get use to my job. Yet, there were too many ups and downs that I could not handle. Just have to take it step by step. Look forward and heck care. I believe that all gods will be there for me to guide my way.

Believe

actually, I am supposed to be sleeping. I know it is a bit too early...at 8.54 pm. But my mind is at the half awake region. (That was positive).

Wow, I knew that many of my classmates had changed in terms of looks, personality, achievements. However, I did not think that one would change to such extreme...that was beyond what i thought she would be. Anyway, I just needed a place where I can talk freely. I promise that I would not say out, So I won't say much.

I just finished my personal statement and the reference letter yesterday. I immediately sent to my lecturer without any thinking as I seriously did not want to edit any more things. The way I wrote, wasn't like me at all. But anyway, I just wrote whatever was inside the letters or results book that I collected throughout my years of studies. And the next day, straight in the morning, my lecturer immediately replied me and emailed me to inform me to collect from the admin counter. He was like 'quick'. Up in mind, I was thinking that either I wrote a perfect essay of myself or simply was just 'flawless' for him to edit.

Tomorrow will be another tuesday. I hope my application to overseas university will pass through. Hopefully, my legs will allow me to travel safely there. Anyway, I got informed of one mission trip. I am intending to go, however I have some work commitment. I wanted to go so much. Hope that I can discuss with my supervisor and have sufficient leave to go to cambodia.:)

Time for a good sleep after a long long longgggggggggggggg day.

Should i make use of the egg to make a cake?

I faced some backstabber almost everyday. I felt very disgusted, somehow I tried to find all sorts of reasons to cover for the person's action. However, the more I think the more I think that she did it on purpose. I don't think anyone will be so brainless to do that. The more I think, the more angry I am. So I gave up on thinking, and shall reduce my connection with the person.

As we grew older, the people that we could trust...reduce as fast as we mature. Is it really true? My dad always tell me that friends disappeared as one grew older. I did not believe it at first, but it did not seems like the case now. Everyone changes as they matures. Everyone is different in nature.

Everyone is wearing a mask nowadays. Who is not wearing a mask? Except that they are just controlling it consciously. They have something that they do not want others to discover. I heard this from someone; Just Like one will think that this girl is very very kind-hearted and likes to help people, quiet and 'knows how to talk'. Yet, no one ever thought that she is evil to her parents or any elderly, she hate to help people except that there is a motive behind it. She longed to dance in strip-bars and she always think the opposite way of what she said.

Sometimes, I felt that ...is there anyone whom I can trust in this world except my family?

Today, I received a strange email from someone who wrote a comment on my 'secondary' blog. It was a very weird message. The message is 'your house is very nice'.

Though it was the first day of the year 2013, I can't help to be moody. Therefore, I decided to write in this blog. This few days, I kept writing and writing. Perhaps, I just need a space where I can relieve my feelings. I have to run a few groups tomorrow and I have no idea what I am going to conduct. It is just a horrible feeling to undergo when you are in the centre. Roar...I am simply going mad soon and I am listening to JJ lin song which make me feel more moody. I need a person to speak too.

Should I go freestyle and ask my patients to think of what to do... That will be a NO NO! I think I will need a break soon. I shall endure, at the most...Let's play hockey. Next week, I shall bake brownie with them. But after tomorrow, what am I going to do next? Haha! It is a blank blank blank. Time to go cycling soon to relieve my unhappiness. Since I can't find a partner, I shall explore east coast park on my own on saturday.

Currently, I am supposed to be writing my personal statement. However, I ended up writing a post on the blogspot. Looking out at my room window, ...is another starless day. There was once I woke up on the bus to genting, I saw a sky full of stars. I always remember the scene and I wanted to watch it again. I really love malaysia. I hope that I can buy a house and stay there when I grow old. It was really nice and from there on, I loved stars (anything which involves stars). My room, at a particular corner is filled with wishing bottles and stars like objects. It just give me a peace of mind. Every morning before I go to work, I would just stare at them. Thinking about things...

There was once lived a very ordinary girl who always cry when she went to school. No one can stop her from crying. She cried for a month in school as her best friend and her was allocated to different class. Her mother went to talk to the principal to ask for a change of class. However, her principal told her mother that it was not allowed as she must learn to make new friends and socialize. She continue to cry and cry for a about 2 months when she suddenly stopped crying as she had a make a new friend. They cared for each other in class. However, as they get promoted to the next grade. They got separated again. The little girl cried again. She hated changes and she did not want to leave her comfort zone. However, she knew that she had to change and the process was terrible. She wanted to leave her school, her class to join her friends in other class. She does not like to study and would always run away when she was forced to sit down to study. However, she always had a liking for stickers and would be attracted by her mother to sit down to study...the temptation of sticker. Perhaps the emphsis for studying and good grades was very strong, she hated to study. Yet, she  knew that she did not have a choice and have to succeed in her best in everything especially her study. Every morning, her mother would accompany her to school and told her that her friend was holding a book to read even while shopping in the supermarket. Soon, the girl became more and more competitive. Her best friend's mother would also compare their grades. The little girl's desire to get better grade overrides her love to explore other things that she liked. She started to bring a book whenever she went and hated to go out. Her parents no longer had to help her with her studies since primary 5. When she reached primary 6, her results was top in the class. However, she had a serious breakdown during her prelim exam. She do not know how to do her papers and she knew she just had to scribble something on her papers. At the end, her results for all subjects was just a pass. Of course, she did not let her parents know it. Though she score poorly during the prelim, she hated studies. She did not want to study and she put her books at aside. It was one week before exam, she took up her books and started to study. During exam, she had a panic attack and started to run to the toilet during the first day of paper. In the end, she managed to pass her paper with AABB. However, she was not able to get into the school of her parent's choice. On the day of annoucement of results, she took her slip, crush it into a ball and threw it into the dustbin. She cried at the stairs and went back to pick up the exam slip results. She went home alone and hide in the cardboard. She faced the four sides of the cardboard and started weeping. She does not have the courage to face her family as their hopes were high. She did not wanted to come out and her mother had to pull her out and gave her hug...she said it's all right. Her dad on the other hand, gave a long sigh and went to the bedroom to sleep. She cried for days and couldn't forgive herself. Her classmates had done beyond their expectation and went to their ideal school. She went to a secondary school alone, with no friends again.

Despite being in secondary school, she hated school again. She told her parents that she hate to study and it was them who wanted her to study. She hate school, hate to study and hate herself. She was a very gloomy person. It was a tough period for her as she had little friends in school and she just hate classes. Filled with numerous exams and class test, that she had to go through. Surprise tests were conducted on a frequent basis. She started to fail her class test as she do not study. She took long rides on the bus and cried. She hated to socialized and she went to join cca- 'library'.She thought that she could escape from people as it had to be very quiet in the library. Therefore, she had a idea of 'do not need to socialize'. She loved to go to the library during breaks and look down at the basketball to see students playing basketball. Hiding at a corner, reading history books. Her friends could not find her during lunch. She loved to sit outside the science lab and just stone. This idea carried throughout her secondary school years. Though she really hated to study, she knew that she could not afford to get poor grades. She does not want her dad to be disappointed and she do not want to be look down by her relatives. She started to mug and live in her own world. She read and study on the bus to and fro from school. She went home after class to chiong her studies. After mugging, she managed to get to the top ten position in class. However, she kept failing literature and her english composition were always filled with red marks. The girl do not like the english teacher as she felt that she was biased to students who are good in their language. The girl's maths was also bad too. She failed in class test and had to ask assistance from her friends. Her friends were helpful and showed willingness to teach. That was the only relief that she got in school. However, not all of them were kind-hearted. Some of her classmates boy-scott her because she was a very direct person and often offended people. Yet, she never knew it. Perhaps that was the only good thing of being slow-witted. However no matter how slow I was, she soon realised that her friends were leaving one by one. They even give her nickname. One day, she broke down because of their sacrasstic and burst in class. She do not see the surrounding or whether others were looking at her. She started to scold them, one by one. She hated them to the core and never wanted to see them again. After a period of time, her classmates apologized to her in her diary. It was a bad bad experience that she never wanted again. From there onwards, she never wanted to go back to the secondary school days.

She loved the library and always did many crazy things with her friends in library. They would always hide at one corner and talk and talk. Whenever they saw their seniors, they would just dispersed. It was fun and they would talk about anything in school...from studies, exams to relationships. Soon, it was time for graduation and collection of results. She arrived in school early and went to the hall where there were no one. She took the opportunity that there were extra time to visit the places that she always went to hide. She went to the library and stand at a corner. When the time to annouce the results, she got cold feet and delayed her time to go to the hall to assemble. Her friends were there and she was one of the student who arrived there late. Her principal was saying a speech and look up halfway to see her running into the hall. Her sec 2 chinese teacher accompanied to the hall and asked her how do she think that she performed while walking on the way to the hall. The teacher gave her pat on the back and said 'do not worry'.

One by one, her principal announced the results and she saw her friends standing up as they are the top few in the list. At that point of time, she felt very happy for her friends. Yet, she was worried about her results. Her name was not mentioned and she felt that 'mei you wo de fen le'. She just prayed to get good grades. Just then, her principal announced her name. She just smiled and almost forgotten to stand up. She was very happy and did not even want to take her results. She just wanted to call her parents. When she gotten her results slip, she called her parents. They were very happy for her. She received congratulations and hand-shake from someone who she admired. It was a super nice day for her. Till now, she had never forgotten.

Time to sleep.