Am I really suitable for this job? should i go for further studies or switch career? Like what my clinical supervisor, I really do not have the 'heart' for this job? Is that real? questions just flooded my head and i am confused and clueless...

201 days 

until Tuesday September 17 2013

a Tuesday 6 months and 20 days from today

it is getting late at night, but just wanted to post something:

Thought through a few days, I will hold on for 1 year. It is around 6 months to be exactly. I believe I can do it. I just dun want to give up so easily, yet there is another side of me wanting to just quit and change job. Yet, I just dun want to give up so easily. Living something that I might regret next time. 6 months only... not long, not short.

205 days 

until Tuesday September 17 

2013

a Tuesday 6 months and 24 days from today

Let's start the countdown now!! and fly after that...

Aim for success, not perfection. Never give up your right to be wrong, because then you will lose the ability to learn new things and move forward with your life. Remember that fear always lurks behind perfectionism. Confronting your fears and allowing yourself the right to be human can, paradoxically, make yourself a happier and more productive person.

– David Burns

When I got home today, I can't help but just tear continuously. I told my mum that I am super stressed and I also tell my friends who were currently overseas. I just couldn't take it... presentation, assessment and coming out with goals for the clients. There seems to be endless and I am on the verge of breaking down. Addition to that, I did not have a wonderful holiday during my chinese new year. It just added onto the stress level. Initially, I thought that having a hair cut could reduce the stress level as it was always able. But this time, it does not seems to work. 

Sometimes I got so tired of being a therapist. As in..I love my patients. However, there were still countless of work to do everyday when i got home. It seems like endless of it to do. Which at this point, I got so tired of it. I tried to speak to someone...hopefully, someone will be able to understand. I think I just need someone who I can talk to and pour out my sorrows. I wanted to scream at my top of my voice. I just hope to stare at the blank sea and stare at it, with the wind blowing against my face. 

That is just my wish... Writing my pain and stress in the blog, helped to relieve slightly and talking to my junior, help to relieve slightly more. I think i am ready to at least hang on to tomorrow and time to do baking session on thursday if not my clients would be pestering and asking when they would be doing cooking again. 

The counter transference effect, hope that it would work on me soon. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CcQDuuhdXA

Holding a cup of water and looking out at the stary sky...sound so cool. (wu liao)

Currently, typing and thinking about my presentation slides... it is frustrating and frustrating as I do not know what should i type? and listening to 田馥甄 - 還是要幸福

I just seriously hope that it is thursday now and i can meet my friends. Hopefully, i will have a relaxing night.

I really need to reflect upon my own personality and changed my personality. I always wondered how come my friends were so flexible and can adapt to changes so easily. However, no matter how hard i wanted to...but just can't change my super timid and not 'confident' character. Sometimes, these 'factors' really made me wonder whether I am suitable for this job. I really wonder... today, 1 of my sup say that I need to step out of the 'student' box and think holistic way for the clients. I felt that I am more suitable to be a kindergarden teacher where I can 'bully' them. 

Today, one of my super cute patient held my hands before she went home and say 'thank you for taking good care of me'. It was so cute and I wonder if i simply held on to one year and after i received my full registration, I would be free. and if i just held on to september, i would be free as I would be going overseas and pursue my dream. Is that really my dream or a place for escape... 

sometimes, these group of patients were the one who pushes me on for this job. It seemed that the road for me were pathed by others and I just followed. At certain point in time, I was the one who made the decision to continue. No matter, what others say- asking me to quit, what's the point making yourself so stress. Yet, there was a force inside me asking me to continue. Sometimes, I was very glad to be in this line. I felt so contradicting. 

Chinese New Year is coming and there is a lot of things to do. Countless of them, that makes me want to avoid all of it and stop thinking about it. However, I knew that I have to face it. I have been working for 4 months and going to 5 months and it seems that time passes slowly... Did I make a right choice to work in this line? This questions have been pondering over my head for the past few days. With all the mistakes that i make, it began to increase more and more (I mean the thought of my job)

This is just about me... They are not updating at all....

Next week, it will be a super busy week. There are two presentation going on and i am going to rush out all my reports and complete it by tomorrow. Tiring ah...

I walk in the rain last week and it was super nice. The raindrop fell on my skin. Even though the touch of raindrops is sticky as it mixed with my sweat. However, it was a very different experience and I just love the touch. It made me felt better as the raindrop represented my tears and allowed it to flow freely...

Look up at the sky, guys... there are a lot of stars up in the skies today. It looks fabulous...Have a great sunday tomorrow and for those friends in overseas, have a great weekend ahead:)

p.s: recently, I heard that one of patient who i observed in the session and i saw him in the centre frequently...passed away. It was shocking as he was quite young (in his mid forties). However, recalling that his wife always mentioned that he had a time-bomb in his brain, ready to explore. And soon, last week was his las week. It was saddening to see one of the patients passed away. But on the other hand, is this a relief for their family or just a start of griefing?